October 5, 2009
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Asking
Sometimes you just have to ask for what you need. It’s true. I, personally, have a very difficult time doing that. I’m being totally honest. Somethings I don’t mind asking for at all, other things are more difficult.
If I need help reaching something off the top shelf, I’m going to ask the nearest person taller than me to help. It might even be a 5th grader. HA If I need help moving furniture, I’m going to ask for help. If I can’t find something important, I’m going to enlist everyone to help me find it. Those are the easy things.
If I need to ask you something that could be tricky, I’m going to try to find any other way to deal with the question instead of asking. If I need a shoulder to cry on… well…. there are only about two shoulders I find comfortable enough to cry on and even then it is hard to ask for that shoulder. If I need someone to tell me the truth about how a dress looks on me, hahahah…. I will find a 5 year old, they tell it like it is and if I don’t like what they say, I can excuse that opinion because they are five. That might be cheating!
Earlier this year at the ladies retreat I went to for our church we talked about love languages. If you have never read the book called “The Five Love Languages”, then you should run out to the local bookstore or library and get a copy of it. I think it is a fantastic book and it will make an impression on you. At the retreat various women were talking about their love languages and finding themselves at a point where they were not getting what they needed to feel loved. Maybe they needed a hug or maybe they needed someone to just do their dishes or go to a movie with them or write them a note or buy them some flowers. They were fairly small things to need but everyone sort of felt the same thing. If you have to ASK someone to do these things for you, does it really even count? If I tell you I need you to buy me flowers and you buy me flowers, that somehow feels insincere. And yet, we can’t expect anyone to read our minds to know what we need if we don’t tell them in the first place.
So how do you answer that question? If I have to tell you that I need ____________ and you do that for me, does it count? I have a friend that tells her husband after a fight, “I need you to say the words ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings’. I know we have resolved this problem, but until I hear those words, I won’t be able to move on.” So he says he is sorry he hurt her feelings. How does that work? She already knows the problem is solved. He just repeats what she says. I don’t understand how that can be meaningful. But, that is not my husband and it is not me. I’m glad that works for my friend. If someone asks you for a certain set of behaviors or words and you comply, is that really sincere or is that just saying words? Just curious.
Unrelated… Hubby and I happened to both be off at the same time today and we got to go to Olive Garden for lunch! WOO HOO!!! Soup, salad and breadsticks. YAY!!!!! We had a fun time.
Have a happy day.
Comments (8)
I love the five love languages. It was wonderful finding how diffrent hubby and I communicate. I think that often this is what the book is most about, teaching us how to communicate with our other half. It lets me know that when he does the dishes he is saying “I love you dearly” clearly he speaks in service even if its not my primary. It has helped decode his love messages.
I too think that having someone utter things that I coached out of him is useless. It just is like listening to tape recorder of your own voice. Rather I think that the book misses something in helping us decode our mates actions. I read very clearly how loved I am when my husband runs the vac or does the dishes. And I think he learned that the little gifts I would pick up for him is my way of saying I think I got the best husband in the world and that I love him to the moon and back! It taught us more of the decoding skills rather than trying to make the other fit into our mold of love words. I think sometimes its more important to listen, rather than to just speak! We took listening away from the book and the class study we did on the subject. It gave us great insight into what made our loves tick and gave us lessons on listening to their love actions!!!
I’m confused. So I am suppose to do nice things for my wife without even being asked??? Who came up with that rule? If I go do something nice for Lori now, will it count? I mean… you just told me to do it, so is it really sincere? I have a very serious delema right now! This calls for chocolate… I wonder if lorilily would like some to share some chocolate with me… maybe I should send her out to the store to pick some up for us.
I love the soups at Olive garden too.
I am trying to compliment hubby on the things he does for me to let him know I understand he was trying to show love….even if it struck me as not helpful. and yes being quiet sometimes fits his love language…..sigh
Hmmm… I’m confused…. I’ m supposed to… Wait… I’m not supposed to… No! Wait… I should ask… Wait… They should ask…. What is Al-son even talking about? Maybe Miss Smarty Pants knows?
olive garden does sound great to me, too–it has been a while since i have been.
i think it is a bit less satisfying to have to coach your sweetie about what you like, but if he/she is wasting effort on things that aren’t really doing it for you, then it seems like an improvement to me. besides, if he/she is really smart (and you know they are because they picked YOU) they just might be able to figure out how they might want to change things to make them better for you. it’s worth a shot…
@Aloysius_son - Fool
Fool
It doesn’t mean as much if you have to ask…